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November 16, 2006

An Open Letter to Mother-Earth: Did It Hurt When I Shit So Mightily?

Guest editorial by Derrick Lingenschnauffer

Dear Mother Earth,

Did it hurt when I shit so mightily? Yesterday when I dumped two-pounds of partially digested cheese curds into your delicate ecosystem, I thought I heard a whimper. It may have just been my imagination, but it sounded like you were in pain.

When I left the hiking trail to relieve myself, I planned to commit a natural act. Until yesterday, I believed the adage about "when nature calls". But woe is you, Mother-Nature, for what I left behind was wholly unnatural and appalling. The granola-studded mass that lies there festering will likely taint the soil, foul the air, and ruin the day of any man or beast that makes its acquaintance.

It was not an easy task; to unleash this thing took every ounce of my being. But there, in the sanctuary of your great forest, with my back pressed against a tall loblolly pine, I triumphed. In an instant I saw endless mountain peaks, deep valleys, and rapidly moving water. But there amongst it all, is my massive reeking dairyturd. So you see, Mother-Nature, my problem has now become yours. And I ask you: did it hurt when I shit so mightily?

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