Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Jacobs After Another Meth-Induced Arm Slashing

(State College, PA)—Penn State junior Matt McKinney was devastated to learn that after two dreadful semesters on academic probation, he would lose his dorm selection privileges due to his fledgling academic performance. And to add insult to injury, McKinney was informed just last week that his soon-to-be-roommate was of the worse breed: a freshman.

However, all of this changed when McKinney actually met his new roommate Patrick Jacobs, whose depression and drug use are so severe that an impending suicide may land McKinney on the Dean’s List.

“I used to think it was an urban myth—you know, your roommate hangs himself with a belt or something and you get straight A’s for the semester,” McKinney explained while alphabetically arranging his collection of pornographic DVDs. “But then I found a copy of the college catalog online, and damn if there isn’t a clause in there saying exactly that. God bless Penn State! Now if I can only keep this kid Patrick cutting himself when he’s high, I’m golden baby.”

McKinney continued to outline the benevolent outcomes of Jacobs’ mental illness and self-inflicted violence.

“Yeah, I mean, after we moved in he tried to talk to me about his dad smacking him around and stuff, and insinuated that there might have been some sexual abuse, but that means he’s only closer to doing the deed,” McKinney excitedly revealed. “Shit. If his old man pounds him in the ass, and every morning he’s downing enough dope to kill a pony, there’s no way he’ll make it to midterms. Maybe after the kegger this weekend I’ll make a noose and, you know, casually leave it on his dresser.”

Labels: meth, Penn State, suicide

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Danesco takes a Jello shot to numb the pain

(Boston, MA)—Boston College sophomore Mike Danesco knew this semester would be an uphill battle after being placed on academic probation during winter break, and resigned himself to a nonexistent social life in order to salvage his plummeting grade point average.

All this changed yesterday afternoon, however, when Danesco discovered his roommate of nine days, Mortimer Lewandowski, dead in their dorm room from an apparent suicide.

“Let me tell ya, nothing prepares you for finding a naked-ass dude slumped over a stack of architectural design textbooks,” Danesco remarked while puffing on a Marlboro Light. “It wasn’t pretty. But I take comfort in that policy of giving roommates straight A’s as a token of consolation. Besides, it couldn’t have happened at a better time—I’m taking abnormal psych this semester, and Professor Jenkins is a bitch, straight up.”

And while Danesco has not received official notification of his newly-earned dean’s list status, he maintains it will only be a matter of days before he receives a formal letter from the college imparting the good news.

“I totally understand why the school hasn’t told me about the grades yet,” Danesco reflected, folding some of his shirt laundry. “I mean, Lewandowski’s parents just flew in from Iowa this morning, so everyone is still crying and stuff. But after the funeral on Saturday, I should be top priority on the administration’s list. I mean, I’ve like, really suffered here.”

RIP Mortimer Lewandowski: 1988-2007

In the end, it appears that only time, that eternal consoler, can ease the weight of Lewandowski’s passing from the shoulders of his close friends and family.

“That faggy-lookin’ goth kid? Yeah, I heard he slit his wrists while jerking off to a 1993 issue of Hustler,” remarked Dan Carruth, a criminal justice major who lived down the hall. “I swear to Christ that guy wore a kilt last week to class. Can you believe that shit? A kilt in fucking January.”

Labels: academic probation, college life, suicide