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September 1, 2007

Slacker Student Hopes Roommate’s Suicide Will Pay Off

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Jacobs After Another Meth-Induced Arm Slashing

(State College, PA)—Penn State junior Matt McKinney was devastated to learn that after two dreadful semesters on academic probation, he would lose his dorm selection privileges due to his fledgling academic performance. And to add insult to injury, McKinney was informed just last week that his soon-to-be-roommate was of the worse breed: a freshman.

However, all of this changed when McKinney actually met his new roommate Patrick Jacobs, whose depression and drug use are so severe that an impending suicide may land McKinney on the Dean’s List.

“I used to think it was an urban myth—you know, your roommate hangs himself with a belt or something and you get straight A’s for the semester,” McKinney explained while alphabetically arranging his collection of pornographic DVDs. “But then I found a copy of the college catalog online, and damn if there isn’t a clause in there saying exactly that. God bless Penn State! Now if I can only keep this kid Patrick cutting himself when he’s high, I’m golden baby.”

McKinney continued to outline the benevolent outcomes of Jacobs’ mental illness and self-inflicted violence.

“Yeah, I mean, after we moved in he tried to talk to me about his dad smacking him around and stuff, and insinuated that there might have been some sexual abuse, but that means he’s only closer to doing the deed,” McKinney excitedly revealed. “Shit. If his old man pounds him in the ass, and every morning he’s downing enough dope to kill a pony, there’s no way he’ll make it to midterms. Maybe after the kegger this weekend I’ll make a noose and, you know, casually leave it on his dresser.”

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