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January 17, 2007

Student Hopes Roommate’s Suicide Will Result in Straight A’s

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Danesco takes a Jello shot to numb the pain

(Boston, MA)—Boston College sophomore Mike Danesco knew this semester would be an uphill battle after being placed on academic probation during winter break, and resigned himself to a nonexistent social life in order to salvage his plummeting grade point average.

All this changed yesterday afternoon, however, when Danesco discovered his roommate of nine days, Mortimer Lewandowski, dead in their dorm room from an apparent suicide.

“Let me tell ya, nothing prepares you for finding a naked-ass dude slumped over a stack of architectural design textbooks,” Danesco remarked while puffing on a Marlboro Light. “It wasn’t pretty. But I take comfort in that policy of giving roommates straight A’s as a token of consolation. Besides, it couldn’t have happened at a better time—I’m taking abnormal psych this semester, and Professor Jenkins is a bitch, straight up.”

And while Danesco has not received official notification of his newly-earned dean’s list status, he maintains it will only be a matter of days before he receives a formal letter from the college imparting the good news.

“I totally understand why the school hasn’t told me about the grades yet,” Danesco reflected, folding some of his shirt laundry. “I mean, Lewandowski’s parents just flew in from Iowa this morning, so everyone is still crying and stuff. But after the funeral on Saturday, I should be top priority on the administration’s list. I mean, I’ve like, really suffered here.”

RIP Mortimer Lewandowski: 1988-2007

In the end, it appears that only time, that eternal consoler, can ease the weight of Lewandowski’s passing from the shoulders of his close friends and family.

“That faggy-lookin’ goth kid? Yeah, I heard he slit his wrists while jerking off to a 1993 issue of Hustler,” remarked Dan Carruth, a criminal justice major who lived down the hall. “I swear to Christ that guy wore a kilt last week to class. Can you believe that shit? A kilt in fucking January.”

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This guy is a total ass.
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