Codependent Collegian

By Terrance Roxy, University of New Hampshire freshman

Roxy: Lost in a sea of crackers

(Durham, NH)—Man, I should have known something was up when they offered my black ass a full ride. I graduated high school with a 2.8 GPA, can’t play ball worth a damn, and couldn’t care less about extra curricular activities, unless you count panty-droppin.’ Now here I am, a month into my second semester, and the cold reality of this shit has finally sunk in: there ain’t no brothas up in New Hampshire.

And you know, my pops warned me about this. “Son,” he said, “I will always be proud of you, and support whatever decisions you make. But New Hampshire? Good luck finding an R&B station.” I guess that was his way of laying it out, and goddamn it, I should have taken his advice and gone to the community college.

See, I was born and raised in Hotlanta, so this place is like...well, like fuckin’ Mars. There’s only three clubs in town: two of them are bowling alleys with beer taps, and the other has mounted deer antlers, so let’s just say they ain’t my kind of places. Nobody stays up past 9 o’clock anyways, and the highlight of the day is Wheel of Fortune. You’d think Vanna was the Virgin Mary or something the way everybody crowds around the TV in my dorm lounge every night after supper. How old is that bitch? 49? 54? Too old to be wearing those sequins, I can tell you that. Anna Nicole Smith is about as old as I would go.

Excited to finally meet a brotha

And don’t get me wrong, the people here are really nice. But sometimes they’re…they’re too nice. I had some pharmacist talk to me about my asthma for twenty minutes last week when all I needed was a refill. After a while, I thought he was gonna invite me home to teach his kids to break-dance.

No wonder all these New Englanders are so liberal on Civil Rights—they ain’t go nobody to be civil with! Black folks wanna vote? Sure, none of ‘em live here! Gays want to marry? Why not, we’ve never met any! Keep abortion legal? Hell, nobody here ever gets their swerve on!

Maybe I just need some more time to adjust. This cold-ass weather is messing with my head. You know some dude asked me the other day if I wanted to play pond hockey? For. Real. Anyways, I’m gonna go watch the second season of In Living Color on DVD and try to unwind. Holla.

Labels: Anna Nicole smith, brothas, New Hampshire

(Ann Arbor, MI) University of Michigan sophomore Kevin Miller has been a "lifelong" admirer of late celebrity Anna Nicole Smith, and assembled an impressive collection of erotic photographs of the sex icon.

Miller's passion for using Anna Nicole images as inspiration for his masturbation sessions, though, may soon end.

"I just finished up spanking the plank to the 1993 Playboy issue with Anna Nicole," he told Codependent Collegian reporters. "Then I looked in the mirror, looked down at my hand, and I felt totally sick, like I was a necrophiliac or something."

Miller said that the event was "even more traumatic" after he walked out of the bathroom.

"My roommate totally knew what I had been doing in there, and it was like he read my mind," he said, looking down. "He said: 'You are one sick bastard, dude!' and you know what? He was right."

Miller's relationship with Anna Nicole Smith has taken a bizarre, disturbing path

Given the fact that Miller has invested "almost a thousand dollars" in his Anna Nicole collection, the biology major finds himself at a crossroads.

"Part of me wants to burn the whole fucking pile, purge my hard drive, and scrub myself in the shower for about an hour," he admitted. "But I've grown accustomed to her two-dimensional face and body, and I think a part of me died yesterday, too. When you spend so much time with a person, they become, like, a part of your very skin, and it's impossible to just tear your skin off, although I did give myself a bad chafing down there one crazy weekend with Anna Nicole."

Labels: Anna Nicole, Anna Nicole smith, necrophilia