Codependent Collegian

A Guest Editorial by Warren “Keg Stand” Eustice
University of Toledo, Class of 2008

Eustice and His Homies: Drunk, Shirtless, and Strangely Horny at a Summer Festival

During my three years as a Sigma Tau brother at UT, I’ve bagged a lot of chicks. And I mean A LOT. From Asians to redheads to that smokin’ exchange student from Nigeria, I’ve poked my hang-down in a lot of snatch.

But now that I’m a senior, and the end to my college debauchery wavers on the horizon, there’s one major sexual escapade left to achieve: I need to piss all up inside some chick’s mouth.

I know what you’re thinking—“how could you possibly want to do something so demeaning and foul?” And for most of my life, I thought the same thing, too. But last spring, when Brad Parker from the Delta frat told me he blasted some Miller Lite wiz in Jenna Quinn’s skankified pie hole, and then showed me the hidden video footage from it, I made a solemn vow that my yellow showers would trickle down some hoochie’s dick-gagging throat, or I’d die tryin’.

True dat, it won’t be easy. It’s one thing to convince a babe to let you slam your salami in her butt, or let your thirteen year old brother stick a banana up her cooch, or even sixty-nine in a stall in the library’s third floor handicap-accessible bathroom, but it’s another thing entirely to piss in her mouth. But I’m up for the challenge, and my game plan is airtight: I’ll sport that new shirt I got on clearance at Aeropostale, get a little sobby-sobby about my ailing grandmother, and boom—nine shots of Yager later, my rancid piss is all gobbled up.

Yes, I have to overcome the whole "can't piss while you are woodified" dilemma, but I figure if I begin with a regular blowjob, and then all of a sudden start concentrating on my upcoming fantasy football draft, I can maintain enouugh hardness while letting loose with a half-quart of pressurized lemon juice.

So if you know any naïve freshmen, or any fine ladies who are coming off a rough summer break-up, send their mouth my way. I’m on the second floor of the Tau house, first room on the right. It’s the one with the unmade bed and Shakira poster.

Labels: blowjob, college girls, sex

Guest editorial by Kyle Richter, Penn State Class of 2008

It was a dark and stormy night (really, it was!) and I had just gotten off work at my job in the student union. I pulled my coat closer to me to keep the November wind out, and that's when I saw her: Angelina Jolie, sex goddess and Pitt-meat muncher.

She was standing next to my car, wearing nothing but a yellow raincoat and a pair of cheap WalMart flip-flops. I started to say something but she interrupted.

"Shut the fuck up and open the car door!" she screamed at me.

Oka-a-a-a-a-y, then! I unlocked my 1987 Honda and she got in, opening her coat and showing off her hot body.

"Let's do this," she muttered, unzipping my fly and pressing those lips on my beefsteak. She slurped on my business like she hadn't eaten in a week, and - if I hadn't whacked off in the john about 5:00 when I saw this Delta Phi babe walk by the food court where I work - I would have blown my load in about 12 seconds.

I lasted about three minutes before payday, and she greedily inhaled every drop of my spooge, making this weird grunting noise that sounded kind of like a gazelle choking on a wad of savannah grass.

I only know that sound from watching this shitty Animal Planet episode; it was like "hurnk! hurnk! hurnk!"

She got out of the car, turned around, and said to me: "Don't say a fucking word to anyone about this, ass-face, or I will come back and kick your teeth in."

And she meant it, too. But I figure: it's been three months, and if she was going to kick my ass, she'd have done it by now, because everyone in the Quad already knows about me and my blowjob from Angelina Jolie.

And, while I admit it was pretty cool getting sucked off by her, Angelina Jolie takes to a dick like a hillbilly gnawing on a corncob. I looked down afterward, and my shaft was black and blue, dude. Straight up, hand-to-God - freakiest night of my life.

Labels: Angelina Jolie, blowjob, Penn State