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August 27, 2007

This Year I’m Totally Pissing in Some Chick’s Mouth

A Guest Editorial by Warren “Keg Stand” Eustice
University of Toledo, Class of 2008


Eustice and His Homies: Drunk, Shirtless, and Strangely Horny at a Summer Festival

During my three years as a Sigma Tau brother at UT, I’ve bagged a lot of chicks. And I mean A LOT. From Asians to redheads to that smokin’ exchange student from Nigeria, I’ve poked my hang-down in a lot of snatch.

But now that I’m a senior, and the end to my college debauchery wavers on the horizon, there’s one major sexual escapade left to achieve: I need to piss all up inside some chick’s mouth.

I know what you’re thinking—“how could you possibly want to do something so demeaning and foul?” And for most of my life, I thought the same thing, too. But last spring, when Brad Parker from the Delta frat told me he blasted some Miller Lite wiz in Jenna Quinn’s skankified pie hole, and then showed me the hidden video footage from it, I made a solemn vow that my yellow showers would trickle down some hoochie’s dick-gagging throat, or I’d die tryin’.

True dat, it won’t be easy. It’s one thing to convince a babe to let you slam your salami in her butt, or let your thirteen year old brother stick a banana up her cooch, or even sixty-nine in a stall in the library’s third floor handicap-accessible bathroom, but it’s another thing entirely to piss in her mouth. But I’m up for the challenge, and my game plan is airtight: I’ll sport that new shirt I got on clearance at Aeropostale, get a little sobby-sobby about my ailing grandmother, and boom—nine shots of Yager later, my rancid piss is all gobbled up.

Yes, I have to overcome the whole "can't piss while you are woodified" dilemma, but I figure if I begin with a regular blowjob, and then all of a sudden start concentrating on my upcoming fantasy football draft, I can maintain enouugh hardness while letting loose with a half-quart of pressurized lemon juice.

So if you know any naïve freshmen, or any fine ladies who are coming off a rough summer break-up, send their mouth my way. I’m on the second floor of the Tau house, first room on the right. It’s the one with the unmade bed and Shakira poster.

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