Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Chambliss going stag at his senior prom last spring

(Ann Arbor, MI)—University of Michigan freshman Owen Chambliss has always been one to jump on internet bandwagons: ICQ, Instant Messenger, and MySpace have all suffered the wrath of his pathetic, stolid life.

However, the recent popularity of YouTube—an endless archive of streaming video—has rendered the no-talent Chambliss unable to participate in this year’s hottest online trend.

“Have you seen that Chinese dude shred through Pachelbel’s Canon on electric guitar?,” Chambliss sighed. “He was a fucking God. That guy is gonna have a record contract soon. Me, I cut myself flossing every night. I’m screwed.”

Chambliss added that he has "tried a couple of times" to put together an initial video.

"I thought I would film myself in my morning routine, but when I edited it there was nothing worth posting," he said, looking down. "Then my roommate was going to tape me jerking off to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," but I shot my load before the chorus."

Chambliss’ small circle of associates heartily concur that his life lacks cinematic zest.

“Sophomore year of high school he got it in his head that he wanted to be a jock,” remarked friend and fellow Michigan freshman Chester “Zitty” Daniels. “He’s 6’ 2”, 119 lbs., and has the hand-eye coordination of a drunken albatross. The JV practice squad ran a clinic on his ass that day — I can’t remember, though, if he broke three ribs or four. Shit, I wish I had a video of that.”

Labels: college freshman, University of Michigan, You Tube

(Los Angeles, CA) The mother of UCLA freshman Matthew Spielmann expressed discontent with her son's recent Youtube productions.

"I know he's a college man now, but is it really necessary for him to post videos of his roommate going to the bathroom?" asked Catherine Spielmann. "There are some things the world does not need to see, you know?"

A video that Mrs. Spielmann found particularly "shocking" involved a keg party, green dye, and an edema.

"Why someone would film another student, well, shooting green liquid out their buttocks is beyond me," she said, shaking her head. "He certainly didn't learn that sort of behavior here, let me tell you."

Spielmann hopes that Easter weekend will be an opportunity for her to impress upon young Matthew the need to show greater restraint in his filmmaking.

"I can yell all I want on the phone, but when he is home Matthew can't hide," she said. "You know, is it too much to ask that he post videos from when we went to the circus in 1992? I think a lot of people would watch something like that." Mary Winkler

Labels: You Tube, YouTube