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September 6, 2007

Talentless Freshman Has Nothing to Offer YouTube

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Chambliss going stag at his senior prom last spring

(Ann Arbor, MI)—University of Michigan freshman Owen Chambliss has always been one to jump on internet bandwagons: ICQ, Instant Messenger, and MySpace have all suffered the wrath of his pathetic, stolid life.

However, the recent popularity of YouTube—an endless archive of streaming video—has rendered the no-talent Chambliss unable to participate in this year’s hottest online trend.

“Have you seen that Chinese dude shred through Pachelbel’s Canon on electric guitar?,” Chambliss sighed. “He was a fucking God. That guy is gonna have a record contract soon. Me, I cut myself flossing every night. I’m screwed.”

Chambliss added that he has "tried a couple of times" to put together an initial video.

"I thought I would film myself in my morning routine, but when I edited it there was nothing worth posting," he said, looking down. "Then my roommate was going to tape me jerking off to "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," but I shot my load before the chorus."

Chambliss’ small circle of associates heartily concur that his life lacks cinematic zest.

“Sophomore year of high school he got it in his head that he wanted to be a jock,” remarked friend and fellow Michigan freshman Chester “Zitty” Daniels. “He’s 6’ 2”, 119 lbs., and has the hand-eye coordination of a drunken albatross. The JV practice squad ran a clinic on his ass that day — I can’t remember, though, if he broke three ribs or four. Shit, I wish I had a video of that.”

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