Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NH)—Ronald Martin, assistant professor of Medieval Culture and Languages at the University of New Hampshire, recently embarked on a highly ambitious project: he plans to build a moat around his single-family home in the Durham suburbs.

And while many in the local community have tentatively embraced Martin’s eccentric project, some feel it may be the first outward sign of his growing mental instability.

“He keeps referring to me as his ‘faire maiden,’” remarked Martin’s 14-year-old daughter Cassandra. “I mean, dad has always been a geek, but lately he’s been nutty. I’m talkin’ Ray Combs nutty.”

Martin’s officemate and close friend Dr. Sharon Lucas echoes this deep concern for what appears to be a peculiar form of self-employment.

“Ron started talking about that goddamned moat back in April, but I thought it was a joke,” Lucas reflected. “Ever since he was accused of grade inflation last fall, it’s like a part of his soul is gone. He even started keeping a broad sword in the back seat of his ’96 Corolla—he said it was to ‘protect his chivalry.’ I really hope he doesn’t hurt anyone.”

Contacted by the Codependent Collegian, Martin expressed disdain at his detractors.

"I, Sir Ronald, by the permission of God, have come into these parts as an ambassador with a divine admonition to you, the servants of God," he intoned. "O, what a disgrace if such a despised and base race, which worships demons, should conquer a people which has the faith of omnipotent God and is made glorious with the name of Christ!"