Codependent Collegian

(Washington, DC) Georgetown junior education major Tad Cochrane, normally "kind of turned off" by international politics, has developed what he describes as a "breakthrough" in the Iranian nuclear dilemma.

"Pretty simply, we should just go over there and nuke the entire Godforsaken country, turning the place into a giant sheet of glass," he said, adding that he has spent "weeks" on his research. "I mean, nothing against the Iranian people, but it's like "wrong place at the wrong time," you know? Kind of like when I was at this kegger last year, and the cops hauled away me and 30 other partiers. It totally sucked, but what are you going to do?"

Cochrane believes that, in the long run, his strategy will save the United States a great deal of "time and money."

"Pretty much you know we are going to have to take those bastards on, so why not drop a hundred of the big ones on them now?" he asked. "Those nukes have been rusting in their silos since the Soviets threw in the towel, and we paid for them like a hundred years ago, so why not just cut to the chase?"

His success in arriving at this novel geopolitical solution, according to Cochrane, has caused him to reconsider his educational goals.

"Washington could, like, use more people who can think straight," he said. "I might have to switch to a major in something like "Government," "War Stuff," or whatever they call the degree you need to order missile launching."