Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Fayetteville, AR)—Southern funnyman ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ will finish his PhD in anthropology this semester at the University of Arkansas after years of heavy touring, binge drinking, and fart jokes.

Larry — whose real name is Daniel Lawrence Whitney — postponed his academic career to embrace his calling as a comedian, but feels that his years of observational humor among America’s redneck subculture will help him land a tenure-track position.

“See, I wear these two britches, the kind with stains and the kind without,” remarked Whitney in an exclusive interview with the Collegian. “Now that I gots my doctorate, I can teach young fellers about Mesopotamia and it don’t matter which britches I wear. Git-R-Done!”

Larry said that one of his favorite research topics is colonial India.

"Maybe that Gandhi feller used to sell beef jerkys and Skoal. We only seen him in pictures as an old sumbitch sitting on a flying carpet like he was fitting to fly around and bless crippled folks," he said. "Who the hell knows what he did early on. For all I know he coulda been selling small electronics out a camel pouch 20 years prior!"

Whitney’s friends are also sharing in his achievement, and echo their fraternal support of his scholarly pursuits.

“Larry’s one hell of a guy, and he’s going to be one hell of a professor,” beamed Jeff Foxworthy, one of Whitney’s close cohorts from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Foxworthy paused a moment before adding: “Y’all remember when I had my own show on ABC in 1995? Goddamn, that was a hoot.”