Codependent Collegian

A Codependent Collegian Special Report

With credit problems plunging the national economy into free fall, financial chaos is beginning to affect college students around the country, and cash-strapped students are increasingly finding their already limited budgets further strained.

Penn State University sophomore Bradley Restall bemoaned the effects of inflation on dormitory necessities.

"Brother, this credit crunch is hella nasty, and what's worse: the liquor store ain't taking the POWER card any more," he said, referencing PSU's student debit card. "And my man Hassan [owner of Drive-N-Brew] is getting tight with the single Blunts, charging 75 cents for the same shit he was charging 50 cents for last week. Inflation is a real bitch, y'all."

PSU junior education major Valerie Upshaw expressed her unhappiness with university financial aid officials.

"They was all like: 'You can't use your financial aid on clothes from Hot Topic,' and I'm all like: 'Ummm, I can't go around campus like some skanky UN refugee,'" she recalled, pausing to text back a friend. "Just because those financial aid women are all a bunch of 60-year-old ugly skeezers with support hose doesn't mean the rest of us have to look like busted hoochies and stuff. This credit crunch is all like: 'oh... my... God,' you know?"

Kyle Eberhard, a Penn State freshman, noted that the nation's financial woes have hidden perils for college students.

"So you call up some bitch and want to get your freak on, but she's all about going to a restaurant first, and then she 'forgets' her wallet and shit," he said. "This credit crunch is messing with my macking, right? And you know the bitch ain't gonna pick no Del Taco or Burger King, you feel me? She's gonna be all about the steakhouse, and then be asking for dessert and appetizers and all that. I'd be better off just renting a hooker, plus I wouldn't have to worry about crotch crickets, like I got from this cum dumpster over at the Delta Gamma house. Shit makes me scratch just thinking about those creepy crawlies."

Labels: college students, credit crunch, Penn State

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Candice Pinkerton
University of Delaware Class of 2010

Pinkerton: Cute, Smart, and Totally Failing

Hey Professor Richards, how’s it going? Are your classes going pretty well? I hope so. Anyway, you probably remember me—my name’s Candice Pinkerton, I’m in your Survey of American Literature class. I’m the punk-rock chick with a nose ring who sits in the back row.

Or I guess I should say USED to sit, because I haven’t to your class in three weeks. And even though I’ve missed a big essay and tons of quizzes and homework and such, I have a perfectly reasonable excuse for my absenteeism and would like to get back on track.

See, all of this started last month when my boyfriend Josh got kicked out of his band. He played bass with all these do-good Jesus freaks, and they finally got sick of his drinking and tripping and said he was a douche-bag lame-o who was always getting wasted. But since Josh has a horrible home life and no self-esteem, he took this as like, a major rejection of his musical talents and has really needed me to support him through this. So in a way, it’s like we’ve both had a death in the family. (Hey, that’s what you call a metaphor, right? See, I am learning a lot from you!)

This leads me to last week, when I totally planned to stop by during your office hours, but my mom called last minute with this horrendous toothache, and needed me to drive her to the dentist. Turns out it’s pretty serious, as she’s lost a filling and has some late-stage decay that is causing constant pain. And while academics are my top priority as a college student, you’ve got to admit that family should always come first.

So in sum, I hope you’ll see that my absences have been warranted by “real life” issues, and if you could email me back with all the handouts, lectures, and assignments I’ve missed, I’ll try to see you in-person as soon as possible. Which might be next week, now that I think about it, because I have a doctor’s appointment Thursday that will keep me pretty busy and stuff. Thanks!

Labels: absenteeism, college students, University of Delaware