Codependent Collegian

By Codependent Collegian Advice Columnist, J. Randall Bellingham

Hello again, love monkeys! It is I, J. Randall Bellingham, here to bring love to the loveless and give a smackdown to those in need of the proverbial smackdown. Judging from the J. Randall Mailbag, many of you in fact need to be beaten like Cheetos-covered throw rug.

But I will dispense with the beatings, and I shall shower you with pearls of sticky wisdom from the Mojo of the Love Master. Read on, Jeeves.


Dear Randall:

My girlfriend Jenny and I are getting really close, you know, and I think I can talk her out of her pledge to remain a virgin until marriage. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Steve in El Paso

Dear Steve:

First off, the Randall-man refuses to waste time with virginal women, because you could have done the four-legged frolic with two dozen hot babes in the time you spend trying to convince some sexually repressed virgin to do the mattress mambo. My advice: string along this mental case if you must, but find yourself a couple of chicks who actually enjoy putting the pickle in the slurpy sandwich. You'll be more relaxed, and Ms. Wedding Bells won't be playing cock-block any more. Backed-up spooge causes cancer, dude.


Dear Randall:

This really cute guy asked me to be his girlfriend three weeks ago, but he still hasn’t changed his status on Facebook to “In a relationship.” Do you think he's ready to commit to a relationship, or is he just playing me?

Ashley in College Park

Dear Ashley:

Straight up he's playing you! What you need is a man who is totally into you and no one else. Look, you are young and beautiful and you have the entire world at your feet, so don't go back to this idiot. Come over to Randall's pad and we will have a chat; I will rub your shoulders and start working my way down to your feet and then back up, all the while making you feel like a real woman, like the tigress-in-heat you really are, baby. When we make love you go and I'll go - that's what it sounds like when we make love, my sexy bunny.

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State sophomore Ashlee Herrington, speaking with Codependent Collegian reporters in her dorm bathroom, expressed relief at making it back to the comfort of her own bathroom.

"I did have too much to drink," she acknowledged, suppressing a dry heave as she tried to recall her evening. "But I think it was all that sushi, Junior Mints, and salsa I ate before the fraternity kegger that really did me in. I'm a regular Anna Nicole Smith, except I'm not blonde and I'm not dead."

Herrington, an early childhood education major, admitted that she is something of a "lightweight" when it comes to drinking, and this makes her a bit of an anomaly among her peers.

"Ten, twelve beers and I'm just about toast," she said, pausing to gurgle out a mouthful of bilious vomit. "I hang with a bunch of big-time drunks, and I end up like this at least twice a month. You'd think I would learn, but I never seem to know when to quit, and the Kappa Alphas are known to spike drinks with syrup of Ipecac."

There's no place like the toilet at home, sweet home

Making it back to her own toilet is an important weekend goal for Herrington, she said, wiping dried barf remnants from her cheek.

"I feel really bad when I blow chunks in someone else's bathroom," she admitted, letting loose with another Technicolor yawn as reporters dodged the sloshing spewage. "Plus, it's pretty gross to stick your head where, like, twelve guys just pissed. My toilet is always clean, well-lit, and never judgmental, you know?"

Guest editorial by Paul Oglivie,
financial aid specialist

January is here and that means it's time for all you high school seniors to apply for college financial aid for your freshman year in college. Make sure that you take advantage of the downtime during the holiday break to plan, and you’ll be well on your way to financing your education.

Here are some ideas for helping you finance your college education. Some of these I have personally used, while others have been used by friends of mine, but all have the potential to help you raise cash in this difficult time.

1. Become a whore. Sure, you might get raped, beaten, or catch an STD, but everyone knows that college is about getting as much no-strings-attached sex as possible, so you might as well get paid. And guys? You can suck a dick or take one up the poop chute just as easily as can the ladies, and let's face it: it's a lot more lucrative to extort an extra $50 from a doctor or professor who is worried about people finding out they are gay. Just get drunk, gobble the goo, and rinse with Listerine afterward.

2. Sell dope. Don't act like you never heard of the shit - you could be the go-to connection on campus for Ecstasy, weed, or meth, all the while pulling down $500 to $1000 a week in tax-free earnings, not to mention all the head you can handle from strung-out chicks looking for a quick fix.

3. Run a numbers racket. Listen: college-age men are the number one growth industry in gambling, and there is no reason why you can't be the biggest bookie on your campus. You can run weekly betting sheets on sports year-round, plus you can start your own three-digit lottery. On average bookies clear 50 percent, and if you get big enough, you can hire a couple of high school kids to collect for you.

4. Loan sharking, baby! Now, you need at least a grand to get started, but college students are horrible at balancing their money, and there is no good reason why you can't compete with the payday loan places. Just be willing to harass the shit out of late payers, and befriend a couple of big fuckers for the muscle factor. Hell, most shit-kickers will gladly beat the snot out of some deadbeat for a burger and a beer, especially if they are in roid rage.