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August 12, 2008

These Olympics Are Tripped Out When You’re Tripping

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Owen Baxter, University of Toledo Class of 2010

Baxter, Replete with Mustache Toothpicks

Since my internship with the Toledo Zoo ended in July, I’ve had a lot of free time lately to work on my Pog collection, make prank calls from my sister’s cell phone, and mail boxes of dog shit to my former high school teachers. And yeah, like everybody else I like to drop a little acid now and then.

Let me tell you something, brother: these Chinese Olympics are tripped out when you’re tripping.

First, these games are in China, where they speak a crazy language that sounds like it’s from outer space. Last night I thought the entire Chinese gymnastics team was going to pop out of my TV set and melt my Zeppelin records with lasers from their slanty eyes. When you’re freaking out like that, the only solution is to drink a lot of Gatorade and watch the most mellow DVD you own. For me, the Sound of Music works every time.

Then there’s the equestrian events. Holy fucking balls is that stuff messed up when you’re messed up. I thought this one chick from Sweden was like, an elf princess or some shit, riding a unicorn and brandishing a sword made of flaming vipers. I called my homeboy Mitch so he could come over and watch it with me, but he was already wasted, watching some weird show where hobbits rode talking mules through a minefield.

So whether you’re watching field hockey played with a human skull or swimmers relay through a pool of Jello, these Olympics are fucked up when you’re fucked up, and I can only recommend it for the most experienced dosers. Speaking of which, can you spare a hit? I wanted to watch some softball later this afternoon.

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