Codependent Collegian

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Bruce McAlister, Penn State Class of 2010

Bruce & Shawn Bonding Despite the Kidman Tension

Shawn, it’s time we faced the facts. I’m sick of your Nicole Kidman movies, the Nicole Kidman photo collage above your bed, and most importantly, your rambling about Nicole Kidman’s hotness when we’re both drunk at 2 a.m. and trying to watch reruns of M*A*S*H.

Bro, I wouldn’t bang Nicole Kidman with your dick, let alone mine, ‘cause that chick is old, skanky, and Australian.

For starters, isn’t she like sixty years old? I mean, my parents got a babysitter so they could go see one of her movies when I was in fifth grade. So who cares if she was pseudo-hot then? That was a fucking decade ago. I bet her snatch is like, full of cobwebs and that weird ashen dust that collects on Aunt Betty’s fruit jars.

Secondly, Nicole Kidman has fucked at least a thousand dudes. I don’t really follow celebrity gossip, but every time I buy groceries I’m confronted with her ancient ass on some magazine cover drooling over another young dude. And didn’t she bang Lenny Kravitz? She’s gotta have more diseases than a bus station urinal by now. Ain’t no way I’d plunge that muff, even with your salami.

Finally, if I’m gonna nail some non-American tail, I’m going with some exotic Brazilian girl who don’t speak a dime of English and whose skin tone is the color of caramel. That, or Heidi Klum’s smokin’ German ass—she could talk all Nazi while smacking me with a riding crop. Australians are the wannabe British of the world, but without the Monty Python humor. In other words, they’re like Canadians, but lamer.

So in conclusion, Shawn, this Nicole Kidman obsession has got to go. Even if she showed up right now, all spread eagle, and I had your dick, I still wouldn’t raw-dog her balloon knot. Maybe a blowjob, but that’s where it ends. It’s a matter of principle.

Labels: Nicole Kidman, Penn State