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June 17, 2008

FSU Student: Contents of Lanced Boil Were "Epic"

(Tallahassee, FL) Recovering from a late afternoon boil-lancing, Florida State sophomore Kyle Yeagher told friends that he was "way psyched" about the pus and fluids that drained from a festering sore on his left thigh.

"Dude: that fucking boil had more pus than a ward full of gangrene patients," Yeagher boasted. "And the shit smelled worse than a dead whore's nether regions, if you feel me."

Yeagher, who opted to perform the lancing himself due to long lines at FSU's Thagard Student Health Center, explained his technique.

"First I sparked this big-ass spliff to dull the pain and steady my hands, 'cuz it's actually really hard to jab yourself with an eyeglass screwdriver," he said of his chosen surgical tool. "Then there was this gushing sound, and like a quart of this gooey, nasty sludge came a-pouring out of my leg. Of course, it was like watching in slow motion since I was blasted out of my fucking pumpkin, which made it even weirder."

Yeagher added that he is anxious to begin his next surgical project.

"I'm about to go ninja on this foot wart that's driving me all Hannibal Lecter and shit," he confided to roommates. "But I'm drawing the line at genital warts, a-i-i-i-e-e-e-t? No way I'm jabbing Big Jake the one-eyed snake with a chunk of dry ice and shit - a man can only take so much."

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