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May 6, 2008

Nation’s Youth Pray Stolen Answers from Fall Exams Still Valid

A Codependent Collegian Special Report
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

America's Best and Brightest: Reading Crib Notes Off Their Arms

As hundreds of American colleges and universities enter the proverbial dash to the finish line, a mood of finality descends upon the lush campuses of this great nation, with book buybacks, the sloppy packing of dorms and off-campus apartments, and an exhaustive end to late night cram sessions.

Yet for those who spent their semesters engaged in endless debauchery and neglected their studies, one bold hope remains: that the stolen exam keys from last semester are still valid for this semester’s exams, and will ensure a passing grade, however marginal.

“I spent $73 and my last dime-bag of weed on these biology answers, so old man Thompson better not have changed that fucking test,” huffed Jon Stottlemyer, a sophomore at Penn State University. “Seeing as Thompson’s showing early signs of Alzheimer’s, I should be in the clear, but still—I couldn’t identify the parts a cell if you had a sledgehammer aimed at my dick. Fo’ shizzle, bro, all’s I got is ADABBDACDBDACBCBDAABCAD. And that shit took me three days to memorize.”

Other students echoed this sense of trepidation, hoping their advanced cheating skills kept them from suffering a perilous grade point average.

“I’m not proud of it, but I let Trent McCormick touch my boobs so I could have his scantron from last semester’s History 212 final,” explained a visibly shaken Cynthia Polawski, a freshman at Texas A&M. “Trent’s a total creep-job, but if I don’t get a C in this class, my parents are gonna stop paying my tuition AND take me off their health insurance. What the fuck am I supposed to do—work at Hot Topic for the rest of my life? So maybe I shouldn’t have drank every night this semester, and maybe I should have spent more time reading up on the Peloponnesian War. But maybe if Trent wasn’t such a horny zitty fuck-bag, I would have these answers memorized already and not have to spend the next hour writing them on my purse strap.”


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