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April 28, 2008

Know Who I Hate? My Motherfucking Students, That’s Who.

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
By Professor Norman Tinsel, Indiana University


Tinsel: Those Pretty Blue Eyes? Full of Wrath!


Now that the spring semester is drawing to a close, most of us English types get pretty bogged down. And by bogged down, I mean we grade about 300 written assignments over a two-week span and drink ourselves to sleep while every whiny jag-off no-show miraculously reappears during our office hours to explain why they haven’t come to class in a month.

I can’t keep the secret any longer: I hate my motherfucking students, every single one of them, with their shitty grammar and text messaging and ability to eat three bags of Doritos in an hour and not gain a single pound.

And lest ye think this is merely the end-of-semester frustration talking, let me set the record straight: I unequivocally hate my students and hope they all die in a massive parking lot fire as they exit their final exams and burn like Dante’s gluttons in the inner circle of hell. Well, except for Ashley Mitchell—that girl wore low-cut tops even in February, and damn if I wouldn’t strap on some chaps and ride her like a sex pony.

But back to the issue at hand. It seems like my students are full of two things: questions and excuses. No one ever gives me a compliment on my Hamlet lectures or wants commend my recent book review. Instead, they just ask me inane bullshit that I’ve already answered in class, OR show up to explain why they’ve missed class, and then subsequently asked what they’ve missed.

Maybe I should retire. After all, I’ve been doing this for 27 years, and perhaps I’m at the end of my pedagogical rope. Or maybe the university should issue every prof a revolver with one bullet at the beginning of each term, with the understanding that he/she gets to shoot their worst student in the motherfucking head as an example to the rest of the rabble. I bet all these Brents and Ambers and Quentins and Britannys would straighten up real goddamn quick if that was the case.

Come to think of it, no they wouldn’t. God I hate these kids.

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