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February 7, 2008

Wallet Condom, Your Time Has Come

By Derek Rochester
University of Maryland Class of 2011

Rochester: Harder Than a Frozen Ribeye

Wallet Condom, we’ve been through some amazing times together: senior prom, the freshman social last year, that awesome kegger last fall when Tina Higgins almost banged us but then started puking all over her own tits.

So with your expiration date less than a week away, I swear this pledge before man and God alike: I will lose my virginity this weekend, Wallet Condom, and it shall be with your stretchy goodness sheathing my member.

As a sophomore in college, I’ve had my fair share of sexual liaisons—over-the-panty clit rubs, backseat handjobs, and plenty of supple young boob suckling. But every time I come close to actual penetration, some ridiculous series of events happens, like the chick starts crying about her break-up with Brad, or we realize we’re late for a major exam, or my stupid mom calls and I have to answer my cell because she’s getting chemotherapy and the drugs make her hallucinate that I’ve died in a stampede or something.

But no more cock-blocks. This weekend, I will don the dopest threads, spray an entire can of Axe on my man-parts, and work the mojo until some willing vixen opens her meticulously trimmed snatch to my jizz viper.

To this end, Wallet Condom, I promise to assemble the perfect polo-and-visor combo that will yield us such voluptuous treasure. Oh my tattered and slightly oblong friend, I shall not fail again.

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