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February 10, 2008

I'm Not a Slacker: I Have Goal-Attainment Deficit Disorder

Guest Editorial by Jayden Reischauer,
Ohio State Class of 2011

I know that many of my professors have written me off as your typical college loser, a person who skips every second class, who forgets important assignments, and who shows up at least 40 minutes late for every exam. And, to tell you the truth - I can see why you might think that I am just another idiot freshman trying to skate by on as little effort as possible.

Actually, though, I have this deal called Goal-Attainment Deficit Disorder (GADD), and this condition is what you might call a living hell. Sorry about the cussing.

GADD is characterized by an intense difficulty in focusing on deadlines, a remarkably short attention span, and a general sense that life is pretty much there for the living. Oh, plus the whole drinking seven days a week, smoking righteous amounts of Chronic, and seeking to plant one's love missile in the nearest willing vagina.

You probably haven't heard about this disorder yet, because most of us GADD sufferers live in shame, unwilling to go public with our inner pain. That's why I haven't been over to your office to explain the reasons why I scored a 7 out of 100 posible points on the midterm last week. Now that you understand this horror, I am sure that you will be willing to make accommodations for people like me, who have a 100-pound GADD necklace weighing us down every morning, keeping us virtually chained to our beds unless we hear the sound of a roommate stuffing herb in a toke stone.

Most mornings for a typical GADD patient are spent in a semiconscious, barely-coherent haze, while afternoons are often focused around distractions like Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, or one of those cop shows on TrueTV. By the time the evening rolls around, most college offices are closed, so a GADD sufferer wanders the dark streets, knowing he's got stuff he should be doing, but powerless to take meaningful action since it's way past midnight, and winding up playing video trivia at the corner bar, hoping that 29-year-old barmaid with the two kids is good for a parking lot hummer.

Thanks for your sympathy, people, and together I hope that we can find a cure for GADD, or at least some way to raise a little fundage after the student loans get maxxed out.

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