.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
September 4, 2007

College Dropout Can’t Stand Smug College Kids

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Holster: On the Clock and Praying for Death

(Pittsburgh, PA)—Jordan Holster, a University of Pittsburgh dropout and local Wal-Mart employee, is described by many as “a disgruntled life-hating prick.”

But nothing riles Holster more than the first weeks of the fall semester, when he must endure hordes of smug college kids gregariously spending their parents’ money on dorm accoutrements and school supplies, and he has no choice but to ring them up.

“God I hate these fucking brats, and the Carnegie Mellon kids are the worst,” huffed a belligerent Holster as he chugged a Mountain Dew on his lunch break. “They get the most ridiculous shit imaginable—overpriced desk lamps with twisty necks, cheetah-patterned bean bag chairs—and act as if this crap were somehow essential to their college success. Please. Maybe if my parents gave me a Visa card with a ten grand limit instead of kicking me out of the basement when I turned sixteen, I’d have a philosophy degree and pair of wireless headphones too.”

Holster added that the most excruciating aspect of his job is bearing the indifference shown by attractive coeds when they choose his checkout register.

“I know I’m not the best looking dude on the planet, but some of these chicks are straight-up ice vixens,” Holster lamented. “No hello, no eye contact—I’m just the Wal-Mart monkey ringing up their tampons and Ramen noodles. I can’t freaking wait until midterms when these bitches start flunking out and need cash. Maybe when they’re filling out an application here, and I finally make assistant manager, they’ll think a little differently of ol’ Jordan Holster. Maybe then.”

Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?