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September 4, 2007

College Dropout Can’t Stand Smug College Kids

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Holster: On the Clock and Praying for Death

(Pittsburgh, PA)—Jordan Holster, a University of Pittsburgh dropout and local Wal-Mart employee, is described by many as “a disgruntled life-hating prick.”

But nothing riles Holster more than the first weeks of the fall semester, when he must endure hordes of smug college kids gregariously spending their parents’ money on dorm accoutrements and school supplies, and he has no choice but to ring them up.

“God I hate these fucking brats, and the Carnegie Mellon kids are the worst,” huffed a belligerent Holster as he chugged a Mountain Dew on his lunch break. “They get the most ridiculous shit imaginable—overpriced desk lamps with twisty necks, cheetah-patterned bean bag chairs—and act as if this crap were somehow essential to their college success. Please. Maybe if my parents gave me a Visa card with a ten grand limit instead of kicking me out of the basement when I turned sixteen, I’d have a philosophy degree and pair of wireless headphones too.”

Holster added that the most excruciating aspect of his job is bearing the indifference shown by attractive coeds when they choose his checkout register.

“I know I’m not the best looking dude on the planet, but some of these chicks are straight-up ice vixens,” Holster lamented. “No hello, no eye contact—I’m just the Wal-Mart monkey ringing up their tampons and Ramen noodles. I can’t freaking wait until midterms when these bitches start flunking out and need cash. Maybe when they’re filling out an application here, and I finally make assistant manager, they’ll think a little differently of ol’ Jordan Holster. Maybe then.”

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