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August 8, 2007

Religion Is Like, a Total Scam

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
by Maggie Fletcher, Philosophy Major
University of Toledo Class of ‘08

Fletcher: Hot and Bothered Atheist

First of all, let me say that I’m totally a person of faith. I have faith that the sun will come up tomorrow, I have faith that The Gap will always have a tight-ass pair of size two jeans on clearance when I need them, and I have faith that Stacy Thomas will try to steal my boyfriend again this fall semester because she’s an uber-slut.

But I don’t have any faith in religion, because it’s like, a total scam.

Have you noticed that most churches, synagogues, and mosques ask their parishioners for money? Seriously. If Rabbi Schwartz is so connected to Yahweh and stuff, why does he have to hit up “God’s chosen people” for twelve grand for a new roof? And another thing—how come a good Jew can’t get a better contractor bid on a roof? My parents put a new roof on their summer cottage last year and it only cost three thousand bucks.

And don’t get me started on the Catholics. The Vatican is like, the Smithsonian of World Oppression. They have more artifacts, documents, and sacred treasures than most state museums combined, but every time I go to mass with my boyfriend, they pass around that collection plate like they got a brother who needs bail money because this is his third DUI and he knows he has a drinking problem and will go into therapy but right now he totally needs the cash and don’t let mom and dad find out.

Protestants are just as bad, though. Most ministers in Toledo are considered full-time employees, which sounds great—“doing the Lord’s will,” all that jazz. But most of them are married, have kids, and how much do they actually work? Um, try three hours on Sunday! And who pays their salary? I rest my case. So the next time Pastor Robinson hits you up for a few canned goods for the church charity drive, feel free to take a few from his kitchen, because you paid for that shit.

So in conclusion, be a free thinker. God is a nice idea, but just like a pain-free wire bra that doesn’t dig into the underside of your boobs, he’s a total myth.

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