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August 21, 2007

I’ll Be Paying These Student Loans Well Through Menopause

A Codependent Collegian Guest Editorial
by Heather Roland, Recent Clemson Graduate

Roland: Cute, Ambitious, and Enslaved to Debt

I’ve always been proud of the fact that I was the first person in my family to go college. And not just any college, either. As a business graduate from Clemson University, countless opportunities will open to me during the coming years as I embark on a career in the corporate sector.

Unfortunately, I’ll be paying these motherfucking school loans until my ovaries dry up like a bag of grapes on a hot Harlem sidewalk.

Having just finished my degree in May, I was relishing my first real internship with Bank of America this summer. True, the hours are long and the stipend is meager (to say the least), but I was finally able to get my own apartment and not lean so heavily on my parents for financial help.

Then this school loan bill shows up. Even after consolidation, these loan sharks want $219. Can you believe this shit? $219! I drive a ’91 Ford Focus, eat off-brand condensed soup most days for lunch, and these bastards still want a week’s pay every month. And don’t even get me started on the interest. Even with a fixed APR of 16.9%, I’ll still be cutting checks when my second marriage is failing and my boobs sag and I start crying a little each night that I stopped at two kids instead of having a third and maybe I should’ve run away to Spain when I was 18 with that stoner-poet guy I met at a Dave Matthews concert.

So thank you, debt hounds of America, for swelling my $35,000 degree to a quarter million dollars and financially crippling the next three decades of my life. Around the year 2034, when I go into counseling for the depression and hot flashes and such, I’m sending your asses the bill.

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