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August 2, 2007

If I Had Inoperable Cancer, I Bet They'd Hold a 5K Run For Me

Guest Editorial by Cole Jorgenson
Penn State Class of 2011

It's easy to get lost in the crowd at a big school like Penn State, where you are just another student, just another number in a portable database that some university dipshit will leave on a table at Starbucks for some bastard to steal and create a false identity with, running up ten grand in credit card bills and sticking you with the fallout.

At least that way I'd have some kind of life, like I was on my way to being a crazed outlaw or something.

But the only way I'll ever amount to anything is if I come down with some rare form of cancer, like Malignant Rhabdoid Tumour (non-renal), or Pheochromocytoma. If I developed an inoperable cancer like that, I bet they would hold one of those cool 5K Benefit Runs for me.

And you just know that hot babes would be willing to sleep with me, since I had just weeks to live. I could tell them I'd never slept with a woman before, and that I hoped to experience True Passion at least once before I die, and after they stopped crying, every one of those chicks would start with the crazy sex right there in the hospice room.

The University would probably name an entire fucking building after me if I caught one of those rare tumors. They would see how brave I was, hanging on for weeks after the doctors said there was no more hope, and the President of Penn State would take a picture with me, and then me and his 18-year-old daughter would get the freak going during the dedication ceremony, and she would walk back to the crowd with a tiny bit of my cancerated jizz on her chin.

It would be beautiful. Now all I have to do is find some way to get infected with cancer. Maybe I should spend more time around the Jake Gittlen Cancer Research Foundation, like that Jake Gittlen kid did. Hell, they named an entire Foundation after that dude, the lucky bastard.

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