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August 3, 2007

Eternal College Bum Wishes He Was in Prison

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Riscone rigorously training for the dog-eat-dog prison culture

(Tuscon, AZ)—University of Arizona fifth-year sophomore Tony Riscone has grown tired of the “academic rat-race,” and believes that a life behind bars would be much rewarding and conducive to his slovenly lifestyle.

“Man, dudes in prison have it made,” Riscone remarked while checking the status of a frozen pizza in his apartment oven. “They get three hot meals a day, fresh sheets and cots, and even cable TV. Yeah, they might get boned in the ass once in a while, but they sure as shit don’t have to take Professor Thompson’s statistics course for the third time in a row. Did you know that fucker is teaching it at 9 a.m. in the fall? Again?”

Riscone shared some preliminary thoughts on the means by which he could become a prison inmate.

“At first I thought I could stalk Stacy Collins, because she is a slice of hotness pie, and I don’t have the balls to like, actually hurt nobody,” Riscone pondered. “But then I realized that the worst I could get for that—seeing as I have no record—is a restraining order and a rep as the “creepy stalker guy” on campus. So I think I might just stab one of my roommates the next time they drink my Bud.”

And though Riscone expressed concern about his family’s response to his new life as a convict, he nonetheless seemed committed to his decision.

“Yeah, it’ll probably hit mom the hardest. Her and my old man never went to college, but seeing how they owe thirty grand for my degree, and I’m still 67 credits shy, I think they’ll get over it when the tuition bills stop showing up. Hey, can’t you like, get a degree in prison for free, anyways? Plus you learn a lot of history in there, like the rise of Nazi Germany from the tattoos of guys nicknamed Thor.”

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