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May 10, 2007

Student Seeks Restraining Order Against "Creepy" Verizon Network People

(Austin, TX) When University of Texas sophomore Elizabeth Grantley purchased her new Verizon cell phone, she thought that the company's much-touted network would provide her with simply an excellent cellular service.

"I had seen the ads, and Verizon seemed like a good deal," she said.

Little did the engineering student know that the Verizon network people would become a "living nightmare."

"I thought it was kind of funny how all those people follow around the cell phone user in the TV spots. That is, until these crazy fuckers started banging on my door at all hours of the night," said Grantley, pointing to a taciturn-looking group of Verizon networkers on her patio. "They just stand there, staring at you like a bunch of mindless robots. Even when you close the curtains, you know that they are still there, silently glaring at you with those empty eyes."

Grantley said that the "creepiness" of the Verizon stalkers caused her to cancel her service, but they continued to follow her around. In desperation, she jumped into her Honda and drove for days into the desert to "ditch" the Verizon mob, winding up at Utah's Canyonlands National Park.

"I pitched my tent, looked around, and saw that I was free from these freaks for the first time in six months," she recalled. "But in the middle of the night, I heard this rustling, and when I peeked out the tent flap there was, like, fifty of those deranged Verizon zombies staring at me. Plus, they ate up two bags of my Doritos."

Left: Coed got more than she bargained for with Verizon's network

Grantley said that her efforts to secure a restraining order against the unwanted technical support team have not paid off.

"I called the cops on them Friday, but all they would do is tell the Verizon bastards to move to the sidewalk," she said, visibly frightened. "And it turns out that 'can-you-hear-me-now' geek is like a lawyer or something, and then cops who responded ended up trading in their Sprint phones for a new Verizon Bluetooth deal. I'm beginning to think that this won’t end until one of us is six feet under."

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