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May 22, 2007

Dorm Fridge Exudes Inhuman Stench Upon Attempted Cleaning

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

The fridge in 309: Nastier than a dead hooker’s crusty panties

(Tuscon, AZ)—In their exultation at the completion of final exams, the Arizona State University residents of Bower Dormitory room 309 seemed to have forgotten one critical detail: they had to clean up after themselves before they could move back home for the summer.

And no single object elicited more abject horror than their rank dormitory refrigerator, which was so foul and odious that it warranted comparison to “a walrus corpse covered in giraffe shit rotting in the zoo's dumpster.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if we could identify what the hell was in there,” explained Frank Watson, a sophomore majoring in engineering. “There’s some peace of mind in that, when you can say ‘oh, it’s that leftover lasagna from November that smells so bad.’ But here, everything’s a mystery. I don’t even know what half these goddamn condiment jars are—is it relish? Red beets? Ground up alien testicles? Beats the fuck outa me, dude.”

Freshman roommate Rich Oppenheimer appeared even more sickened by the situation, and chose to view the refrigerator's symbolism in religious terms.

“Man, this is what we get for skipping church for nine months, drinking every night, and living off frozen pizza,” Oppenheimer bemoaned. “This fridge is nothing short of divine retribution. And I know it’s gonna be me, because I’m the only freshman, and I'll be the one who has to crawl in there with a bucket of bleach and gag my way to redemption. Lord help us all.”

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