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May 1, 2007

Student Scrambles to Spend Prepaid Dining Hall Dollars

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Crenshaw, bewildered and bloated after his third lunch

(Towson, MD)—Towson University sophomore Tyler Crenshaw has never been the most responsible fellow, and according to close friends, is always “bumming a few bucks” for cigarettes, concert tickets, or a tank of gas.

So it came as an immense shock earlier this morning when Crenshaw learned that he had $319.27 left on his dining hall card, which he must spend by the end of final exams this Friday lest it be forfeited to the university.

“I understand why they don’t want college kids to like, get cash off these cards,” Crenshaw pondered while repressing a vicious meatball vlurp. “Parents want their kids to study hard, eat responsibly, and not use their dinner money for dope. A noble thought. But dude, I’ve eaten 13 meals in the past two days, and still have three hundred bucks to go. I might have to get some homeless guys in here just to make a dent in this sucker.”

Crenshaw noted that his “campaign for consumption” has met particular resistance from the cafeteria staff, which is largely comprised of underpaid student workers.

“Man, yesterday this asshole didn’t even charge me for my soda, orange slices, and bag of Fritos,” Crenshaw huffed. “What’s the point in eating all this shit if it doesn’t cost? You know, there are people in other countries, like Darfur, who don’t even have clean drinking water. And this guy wasn’t gonna charge me for my Fritos. This shit is ridiculous.”

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