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February 14, 2007

Prof’s Raging Boner Makes for Unpleasant Classroom Experience

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—George Mason University history professor Mitch Crower is, by most accounts, an exceptional educator. His student evaluations are consistently high, he always responds to emails in a timely manner, and his lectures on Civil War battles are nothing short of stirring.

Crower’s HIST-312 students were in for a rude awakening this morning, however, when Crower delivered his entire lecture on 1870s Reconstruction in the Deep South with a raging boner.

“I’ve never seen anything like that before,” remarked sophomore Tim Paney, as he lazily thumbed through a worn, coverless copy of a Howard Zinn text. “I mean, I’m totally hetero, but it’s impossible not to stare at something like that. And it lasted for an entire hour! I’m probably going to associate the term ‘carpetbagger’ with Crower’s man meat for the rest of my life now.”

Sophomore pharmacy major Yussef Wladdhi posited a source for the in-class stiffage.

"I bet it has something to do with Viagra," he asserted. "You know, before this class, someone told me Professor Crower was 'hard on' non-history majors, but I didn't take that literally."

Crower: stiffer than a log cabin; photo from an unidentified student's camera phone

Other students concurred that Crower’s sexual arousal made them disquieted and uneasy, and that its full impact may take weeks to assess.

“Let’s just say I’m never going to his office hours again,” huffed Sarah Lang, a history major specializing in the Atlantic slave trade. “I’m less grossed out by his woody than I am by his timing—we were talking about Klan lynching for Christ’s sake. That guy needs some serious, serious help; you'd think he was staring at a naked Anna Nicole Smith or something.”

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