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February 7, 2007

Opinion: Why I’ve Missed the First Three Weeks of Your Class

by Steve Snelling, State University of New York Sophomore

Snelling: Ready to hit the books, a month too late

(Syracuse, NY)—Professor McKellor, I know your office hours ended like, 47 minutes ago, and you’ve never met me before, but my name is Steve and I’m in your 9 a.m. advanced communications class and I have a totally reasonable explanation for why I’ve missed the first three weeks of your course.

My grandfather lives in Maine and has been really, really sick with this rare type of butt cancer. So sick, in fact, that I had to stay with him, alone, in his one-room log cabin after Christmas and care for him since the rest of my family is a bunch of jackholes. He’s dirt poor so I had to rake leaves and stuff to buy extra blankets and ice fish for lobster just to survive. There was no telephone or internet or anything which is why I don’t have your syllabus and I couldn’t get in touch with you until now.

Elderly cancer patient being examined by his doctor for rare form of butt cancerGramps had the butt cancer bad. Real bad.

I know you’ll probably say that I should simply withdrawal and all that — I’ve missed too much, I’m way behind in the reading, etc. But let me level with you: I have a 1.2 GPA. That should tell you how serious I am about finishing this course, because if I don’t pull my grades up this term, the university is gonna send me packing for a community college back in East Rushford and I am clearly not remedial material, plus there's this girl I really need to avoid back there, trying to serve me with papers for this bullshit paternity lawsuit. You feel me?

I should probably also mention that I've got what you call one of your learning disorder deals. I’m not sure if those people in Student Services notified you, but I need extra testing time, extended deadlines, and tapes of all your lectures. In high school it was a huge struggle for my Civil Rights and stuff, so I hope you won’t be discriminatory and give me a C just because I have special needs and a unique learning style.

Thanks for talking this through with me, Professor McKellor. If you could just get together all the handouts and notes I’ve missed, that would be great. I should be back on track by midterms, so until then, we’ll be seeing a lot of each other. I know I’m going to learn a lot from you this semester.

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Please buy a shotgun and blow your motherfucking brains out. This is a respectable newspaper, not some advertising gang-bang.


Billy Pilgrim
Bob was kind the first time dipshit posted, but this fuckstick has posted the exact same comment at least 756 times, according to Google.


(caps lock for special emphasis, because, well, THAT'S WHY JESUS INVENTED THE FUCKING CAPS LOCK.)
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