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January 15, 2007

Professor Exudes Air of Utter Incompetence on First Day Back

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

LaRoche forgets a student’s name for the third time in 10 minutes

(West Lafayette, IN)—Purdue University mathematics professor Nick LaRoche thought his third year at the college would be a breeze: he has taught the gamut of introductory math courses, he retains a vast catalog of syllabi and dittos on his hard drive, and he even worked on a few emergency PowerPoint presentations over the holiday break for the days when he “totally fucking blanks it.”

Little did LaRoche know, however, that his studious preparations would all be in vain, since his performance on the first day of the semester demonstrated little else apart from his incompetence, disorganization, and complete inability to form a cogent English sentence.

“It all started this morning,” LaRoche huffed while rubbing his shoeless feet back in his office swivel chair. “My alarm didn’t go off until 8:17—my class was at 9, mind you—and Becky forget to buy coffee this weekend when she went shopping. It just snowballed from there: I couldn’t find my class roster, the dog refused to shit for like, at least 12 minutes…it’s a miracle I even found a parking spot when I got on campus.”

LaRoche's home office is like a still life of ineptitude

LaRoche’s humble hope that things would improve when he began his first class where unfortunately squashed within minutes.

“I took a leak right before walking into class, and I totally dribbled on my slacks,” LaRoche nervously huffed. “So let me set the scene: I go in there with no roster, no syllabi, just two textbooks and a new date planner trying to cover my pee-drops at five after the hour. Apart from some kid having an epileptic seizure and barfing everywhere, I can’t see how it could have been any worse.”

LaRoche remains doggedly optimistic that he can improve his tarnished reputation later this week when he delivers his first lecture on Pythagoras.

“I’m going out later today to buy some new ties,” LaRoche beamed. “I’m setting a new tone—one of professionalism and refinement. I can’t afford another semester of mediocre student evaluations. If I don’t get tenure this year, I’ll be back at Home Depot schlepping lumber 60 hours a week. Lord help me.”

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