.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}
January 15, 2007

Professor Exudes Air of Utter Incompetence on First Day Back


By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

LaRoche forgets a student’s name for the third time in 10 minutes

(West Lafayette, IN)—Purdue University mathematics professor Nick LaRoche thought his third year at the college would be a breeze: he has taught the gamut of introductory math courses, he retains a vast catalog of syllabi and dittos on his hard drive, and he even worked on a few emergency PowerPoint presentations over the holiday break for the days when he “totally fucking blanks it.”

Little did LaRoche know, however, that his studious preparations would all be in vain, since his performance on the first day of the semester demonstrated little else apart from his incompetence, disorganization, and complete inability to form a cogent English sentence.

“It all started this morning,” LaRoche huffed while rubbing his shoeless feet back in his office swivel chair. “My alarm didn’t go off until 8:17—my class was at 9, mind you—and Becky forget to buy coffee this weekend when she went shopping. It just snowballed from there: I couldn’t find my class roster, the dog refused to shit for like, at least 12 minutes…it’s a miracle I even found a parking spot when I got on campus.”

LaRoche's home office is like a still life of ineptitude

LaRoche’s humble hope that things would improve when he began his first class where unfortunately squashed within minutes.

“I took a leak right before walking into class, and I totally dribbled on my slacks,” LaRoche nervously huffed. “So let me set the scene: I go in there with no roster, no syllabi, just two textbooks and a new date planner trying to cover my pee-drops at five after the hour. Apart from some kid having an epileptic seizure and barfing everywhere, I can’t see how it could have been any worse.”

LaRoche remains doggedly optimistic that he can improve his tarnished reputation later this week when he delivers his first lecture on Pythagoras.

“I’m going out later today to buy some new ties,” LaRoche beamed. “I’m setting a new tone—one of professionalism and refinement. I can’t afford another semester of mediocre student evaluations. If I don’t get tenure this year, I’ll be back at Home Depot schlepping lumber 60 hours a week. Lord help me.”

Labels: ,


Comments: Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link



<< Home
Copyright 2007, Codependent Collegian ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. Codependent Collegian ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of Codependent Collegian ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. Codependent Collegian ® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?