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January 11, 2007

Fraternity Pooch Bears Brunt of Chemical Excess by Greeks

Peaceful collie with a major buzz By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Cooper, stoned “right out his fucking gourd,” experiencing a vivid buttercup hallucination

(University, MS)—The Phi Beta Kappa fraternity at Ole Miss has always had a reputation for raucous, outlandish behavior, and the 2006 academic year has been no exception.

However, now that final exams have passed and students are back from break, the Phi boys have now seen their partying and chronic inebriation rise at the same alarming rate as their stress levels. And perhaps no member of the frat has shouldered this burden more than Cooper, AKA “Sir Trips-A-Lot,” the frat house’s excitable and friendly four-year-old collie.

Druken fraternity idiots “I’ve never seen a creature ingest more foul shit in my entire life,” remarked Kyle Preston, 22, a senior psychology major. “That dog ate like, three hash brownies and lapped up at least four spilt beers, and was still able to walk. And brother, that was on a Tuesday.”

Preston also revealed that some of Cooper’s cerebral voyages were involuntary, but that such illicit experiments were conducted all in the name of science.

“Chuck [Vickerson] bought an ounce of some righteous Kind Bud last Saturday, so that shit was on,” remarked Preston. “We must have blown at least thirteen or fourteen bong hits right into Cooper’s face, plus we are pretty sure he wolfed down a couple of tabs of Ecstasy on top of that. I know that may sound cruel to some of your readers, but you should see what Cooper did, man — he got into my girlfriend’s paint set and went Van Gogh up in this bitch.”

Left: A paw-print masterpiece by Cooper

Only time will tell if Cooper’s artistic exploits will inspire the rest of the fraternity to explore their artistic potential on a level beyond mere hedonism.

“Normally we just get shit-faced and throw the TV remote at each other’s balls, but this amazing dog has made me rethink everything,” intoned Robert Muldowsky, 19, a sophomore and newly-admitted rush. “Maybe we should like, form a band or start writing poetry when we’re all whacked out. I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna study. Fuck that.”

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That's just wrong to abuse a pretty dog like that.
nice doggy
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