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January 1, 2007

2007 "Just as Shitty" as 2006 for Totally Depressed Coed

(Happy Valley, PA) Penn State sophomore Missy Brannigan thought that the symbolic ball drop in Times Square would usher in a new period of bliss for her.

Instead, Brannigan claims, 2007 is a year "just like the awful 2006" she left behind.

"I mean, as if it wasn't bad enough Matt asked Marissa out on a date behind my back, but I had to find out about it from super-slut Shannon, who couldn't wait to throw it in my face. I was so humiliated, I could have died!" she said of her New Year's celebration. "I mean he didn't even have the decency to break it off before he started fucking someone else. I can't believe I fell for the whole honesty routine. He got me, took his little trophy, added me to his collection and dumped me! I am so stupid."

Brannigan said that the efforts of her friends to console her were unsuccessful, though she "totally appreciated and stuff" their empathy.

"They were all like 'You're friends with that Meghan girl aren't you?" and I was all like "ummm does she owe you money or something?" if she does then... well NO" and then they were all like 'no it's just you're so HOT and noticed you and then I noticed you hung around with that Meghan one,'" she said, wiping away a tear. "And then I was all like 'OK, what can I do for you' and they were like 'a LOT of things... but you better tell Meghan she better not fuck around with Chad' and then I was like "OK" and they were all like 'See YOU later' And I was like 'yeah...hopefully NOT.' Well, what I was trying to say is congrats and stuff, but I was really confused. Anyway, if it's anything personal, like a sickness or something they could have told me in private! I could have just died."

Brannigan's mother is doing "everything possible" to help Missy in her time of turmoil

Efforts by Missy's family to help her cope with depression have also stalled. The purchase of a cat that Missy "really, really wanted" was not an easy decision for her mother.

"The shopkeeper wanted $2,500 for it. I could see paying that for a good handbag, but for a cat? I just wasn't sure," said Karen Brannigan. "But Missy kept pestering me. And it occurred to me that if I bought her the cat, maybe she would stop spending so much time and money at those stupid anime conventions. I keep arranging dates with perfectly nice young men with good employment prospects, and then she goes to a convention and brings home these makeup-wearing boys who spend all their time reading Japanese novels and playing Final Fantasy. I just don't get it, but we are always there for Missy."

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What a total dipshit!
Jeez, this biatch is a piece of work.
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