Codependent Collegian

Perriman practicing his right to booty-flaunt

(Ann Arbor, MI) Tired of disapproving looks from parents and teachers, and angry at attempts by legislators to outlaw exposed rear ends, University of Michigan sophomore Tyler Perriman has decided to fight back.

In response, the 20-year-old activist has created an organization called American Students Safeguarding Our Underwear Technique (ASSOUT), which is dedicated to preserving the rights of people who prefer to wear their pants low, showing off their gluteal cleft.

"Who is the Moral Majority to tell me how to wear my pants?" asked Perriman, standing with fellow protesters on a busy Ann Arbor corner. "And is my ass crack really that offensive? At least I wax the damn thing, which is more than I can say about some of those snooty old women with those hairy upper lips. Ugh! Can you imagine kissing one of those furry beasts?"

Several states, including Louisiana and Texas, have attempted to pass legislation outlawing low-slinging, pants-sagging, belly-baring, or underwear-peeking pants. Perriman said that these efforts "clearly violate" the U.S. Constitution.

"It infringes on our freedom of expression and our privacy rights," he said, referring to the First and Fourth Amendments. "Plus, I think ass crack is just plain sexy, and nobody seems to care much when chicks show regular boob cleavage."

Just a line between some flesh, so what's the big deal?

Perriman said the group plans some "high-profile" demonstrations in the coming weeks to highlight the issues of "free booty rights" and "butt crack equity."

"We'll be hitting the local malls during the holidays, a little deal we call 'Drop While You Shop,'" he said of the low-riding retail campaign. "And we'll be making presentations at local and state political offices to make sure our legislators understand that 'we're here, we're sheer, and we like to show our rear.'"