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December 2, 2006

Student Hopes to Cash in on Some of that Grant Action

Drunken college dudeReeder is "totally committed" to pursuing grants

(Tempe, AZ) Upon reading in a leftover newspaper that Arizona State University’s College of Nursing and Healthcare Innovation was awarded a $1.3 million federal grant to design a program for improving nurse retention and patient care, ASU sophomore Kyle Reeder decided that he needed to investigate further.

"They frigging dole out grants for all kinds of research and shit," he slurred to Codependent Collegian reporters, interviewing him at the Big Tool Pub. "It's about time the Kyle-man got his hands on some of that green."

Reeder said that he first intends to "get totally fucked up" tonight.

"To be honest with you - I'd probably have trouble reading Dr.-fucking-Seuss right about now," he said, as the second set of JJ and the Pederasts kicked in. "But first thing tomorrow, baby, I'm gonna hit them grant thingamadoos. Hard."

Grant proposalYou just fill in the blanks, and they send you money. Straight up.

Reeder paused to tell some unattended young females about his plan.

"Listen up - six months from now this cat is gonna be rolling in cash," he bellowed to the hesitant women. "So how's about we start celebrating tonight, ladies?"

After failing to negotiate a nocturnal tryst, Reeder returned to the table with Codependent Collegian reporters.

"Probably a buncha bitches anyways," he belched, slamming a double shot of Jack Daniels. "But they'll be crawling back to daddy once the grant cash show up, a-i-i-e-e-e-e-t?"

R-i-i-i-ight. I'm going to grant this idiot money? I think not.
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