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December 17, 2006

Professor’s Abuse of University Mail Privileges Achieves Epic Proportions

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Winthrop’s photo from the University catalog

(Iowa City, IA)—University of Iowa English Professor Thomas Winthrop has never been one to break draconian rules, even when they seemed inane or intentionally restrictive. But after 13 long years of instructional and institutional commitments, Winthrop has become “truly fed up with the system,” and nothing better illustrates his growing contempt than his flagrant abuse of his faculty mail privileges to send Christmas gifts and correspondence.

“For the past decade, I’ve fought the urge to exploit the ‘OUTGOING’ slot in the department office,” remarked Winthrop in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “They just take that shit down to the mailroom on the first floor, rubberstamp it all, and ship it off on the college’s dime—it’s been ripe for the picking.”

Winthrop outlined his longstanding urge to taste this forbidden fruit.

“Occasionally, if I ran out of stamps, I’d throw “Professor” before my brother’s name and just slip it in there, or bury my electric bill in a stack of other crap hoping nobody would catch me,” Winthrop explained. “But lately, I’ve just had it. I put 37 Christmas cards in there last Tuesday. When those fuckers shipped, it was game over. By Friday I’d put nearly a dozen packages in there, one of which was a salad-shooter for my sister in Winnipeg.”

Parcel containing salad shooterThe conspicuous salad-shooter posing as academic materials

Only time will tell if Winthrop will be held accountable for his disregard for his ever-amounting abuse of the mail.

“Most of my colleagues are frumpy old white men who know more about Beowulf than conflict resolution,” Winthrop chuckled. “I’ll save hundreds of dollars this year on shipping, and worst case scenario, they’ll send a threatening email reiterating policy. In the meantime, I need to finish writing this card — I gotta send this skateboard to my nephew in Seattle before lunch.”

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