Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Andersen: Quietly praying for an immediate death

(Houston, TX)—University of Houston philosophy professor Jim Andersen has always considered himself a “student-centered kind of instructor,” and despite a difficult semester wrought with rampant absenteeism and plagiarism, he has tried to remain focused on “the good ones.”

But with final exams looming on the horizon later this week, and only a few more essays to grade, Andersen’s seemingly-balanced schedule has been ruined by a tsunami of incoherent student emails, most of which lack punctuation and are written in all capital letters.

“Every semester I tell myself the same lie,” Andersen vented as he rolled his chair a few feet back from his desk and loosened his tie. “I think: ‘Jim, these kids have passed freshman composition as a prerequisite, they can handle Nietzsche, and you sure as hell can teach it.’ But by week 4, there’s only 9 kids coming to class, and most of them are so hungover that they take turns sneaking out to puke. And it’s all uphill from there.”

Andersen revealed that most student emails are so jagged and inane that they prevent him from completing his daily schedule of tasks, and now at the end of the semester, are a massive roadblock to computing his final grades.

Andersen offered the following random example from a student to illustrate his point:

“JIM IM SORRY TO HITTIN YOU WITH ALL THESE QUESTIONS THE WEEK OF FINALS BUT MY OTHER ONE WAS I KNOW THE SHEET SAYS 4 TO 5 PAGES BUT ARE WE GOIN TO GET MARKED OFF IF ONLY REACHES 4 PAGES? OR IS THAT OK I FIGURED 4 PAGES OF GOOD WRITING IT BETTER THAN 4 PAGES OF OK WRITING AND ½ PAGE OF FLUFF THANKS YOU’RE THE BEST, DANA S.”

“Frankly, I don’t even know what this fucktard is asking,” huffed Andersen as he idly toyed with a yo-yo on the corner of his desk. “Is she asking whether or not I want 4 pages of good writing or 4 pages of mediocre writing? What the hell kind of question is that? And I love that she calls me Jim — after all, it’s always such a good idea to talk to a PhD from Columbia as if he were your dad’s racquetball partner.”