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December 24, 2006

Appearance of Giant Zit Ruins Christmas for Coed

Depressed girl with a pimple (Columbus, OH) Marissa Vandergraff thought she was going to head home for the holidays and enjoy some time with friends and family.

Instead, the Ohio State freshman finds herself facing an "unthinkable horror," as a pimple of epic proportions suddenly appeared on her forehead this morning.

"I'm an ugly, horrifying freak!" she screamed to her mother downstairs. "I can't believe this is happening to me! I am faced with living out the quiet desperation of knowing that acne is only too real, and that there are incredible injustices we are forced to accept."

Vandergraff told Codependent Collegian reporters that she is having difficulty coping with the lifestyle changes her illness is bringing.

"I find it extremely difficult to talk to people about the way I feel, because I think that they just do not understand," she said, dabbing away tears in in her eyes. "I have kept it inside all morning, and I cry constantly. I spoke briefly to my best friend and my boyfriend, but they will never understand how low and depressed I am feeling. Until they have walked a mile in my shoes, they can't know what I am going through."

pimple Vandergraff said that she is preparing herself for "the worst."

"My worst fear is that the zit germs will metastasize, growing and spreading microscopically across my entire face," she said, crying in her pillow. "I need to schedule an appointment with a plastic surgeon today and look at my reconstruction options; there's no way I am going to go through life looking like a pus-filled abomination."

Still, said Vandergraff, she has had moments of deep despair since the discovery of the whitehead this morning.

"I thought of driving in my car, while I was crying my eyes out, thinking that my car and me would look so good wrapped around a phone pole," she said. "I am sick of pretending I am happy and perfect. I am living a lie and I just don't want to do this anymore."

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Awww, poor freaking baby.

Give me a break! How'd you like to live in Darfur, you self-absorbed bitch?
1-800-wah-wah-wah wah-wah-wah-wah.
Someone get her some OXY STAT! And by the way- we found where Abby Normal's brain got put into!
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