Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Upton: None of his bittersweet Web victories count

(Alameda, CA)—Tim Upton, a sophomore at Patten University, recalls that his fondest memories from childhood are watching football with his father, when their beloved Raiders were stiff competitors in the AFC West and greats such as Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson donned the black and grey.

So it is a savage irony indeed that Upton—a decorated high school athlete and merit scholarship winner—must watch his 2-5 team endure the daily slander of pundits, commentators, and dreaded Chargers fans, especially now that his Madden 2007 franchise is 7-0.

“Dude, I trounced some kid from Colorado, like, 63-2 last night online,” huffed a depressed Upton as he scrolled through Raiders stats at ESPN.com. “But it was such a hollow victory. Not even 13 interceptions off Jake Plummer in the first half eased my suffering. These Raiders are worse than the ’04 Browns—and that was a shitty-ass team, my friend.”

Upton’s Raider-inspired malaise has resulted in decreased appetite and a general apathy toward his studies, and sadly, has even begun to adversely affect his close personal relationships.

“Tim stopped by last night when my roommates and I were really, really trashed,” remarked friend-with-benefits Anita Cheryl. “He could have fucked all three of us raw in the shower, but instead he kept ranting about Randy Moss. I watched him sulk across campus before passing out…I’m not sure, but I think he stopped to weep beneath a lamppost. That boy needs therapy.”