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October 5, 2006

Special Education Major Secretly Despises Kids in Wheelchairs

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Reno, NV)—Ian Falco, a junior in Special Education at the University of Reno, withheld his silent abhorrence for children in wheelchairs for years, but was unable to conceal his disgust during this week’s hectic round of midterms.

“I’ve always wanted to help others since my mom was a teacher for 30 years,” said Falco, wiping beads of sweat from his forehead. “But after five sets of exams, I can’t stand these emaciated retards anymore. They’re freakish and need to be burned alive.”

Falco said that a recent experience in student teaching at a special needs school cemented his thinking.

"This kid with cerebral palsy wheeled over to me and started honking like a goose, and all I could think about was smacking him," he said, wringing his hands. "That, or taping his eyelids open and shooting a Super Soaker at the little bastard."

Kid in a wheelchair Left: Falco wavers between "disgust" and "revulsion" toward the physically challenged

Falco’s close associates corroborate his profound disdain for the handicapped.

“The guy really hates the needy, case closed,” remarked Sara Hubert, a former girlfriend of Falco’s, who remains his co-worker at a local Barnes & Noble bookseller. “One time I tagged along during his student teaching appointment downtown, and saw him pinch this girl all during snack time. I’m no psych major, but it seems to me that he picked the wrong profession.”

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