Codependent Collegian

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Haskins losing his grading will

(Ann Arbor, MI)—University of Michigan lit professor Gilbert Haskins has always taken great pride in his “student-centered philosophy,” which has seen him consistently return essays within three class periods for the past 27 years.

However, now that he is only one year away from retirement, Haskins’ raging addiction to crappy TV dramas and reality shows has slowed his red pen to a near-halt while innumerable stacks teeter on the corners of his office desk.

“I should probably start those Shakespeare responses, but I’m already behind on the Milton reports,” revealed a groggy Haskins as he scratched his rear through oversized sweatpants. “Besides, ‘Deal or No Deal’ is coming on—did you know they have three models all named Megan? You’d think the producers would’ve put the kibosh on that shit.”

Left: It's all a matter of priorities

And while some educators would take this pedagogical lapse as a stain on their reputation, Haskins appears to take his procrastination in stride.

“Look, after three decades, I’ve taught so many sonnets I wanna puke blood,” mumbled a bemused Haskins as he munched a fistful of Pringles. “Besides, the A students are kiss-asses, the B students regurgitate my lectures, and the C students refuse to proofread before hitting ‘print.’ Everybody else is a fucking retard. Damn—I’m missing a new episode of ‘Lost.’ You guys need to split.”

Not surprisingly, Haskins’ students have tired of anxiously waiting for their esteemed professor’s feedback, and are nothing short of exasperated.

“I’m an economics major, and this Renaissance class is my last humanities requirement,” muttered a frustrated Ian Post as he puffed a fresh Marlboro Light. “I’ve sent that old bastard nine emails since Monday. If I don’t pass this class, I swear to God, I’m mailing 10 lbs. of mule shit to his house.”