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October 1, 2006

Professor Turns to Absolut to Cope with Incompetent Undergrads

Left: Calderone in his OSU office

(Columbus, OH) Ohio State economics professor Scott Calderone, pouring a double shot of vodka, began to open up about the "complete lack of intellectual ability" he has seen among this year's Macroeconomics students, and noted that Absolut vodka is the only thing between him and a straitjacket.

"It's hard to believe, but they get more stupid every year," he groused. "I'm grading the first exam, and no less than five idiots tried to define monopoly as a board game by Parker Brothers. When I asked them about it, not a single one of them was even trying to be funny. They honestly had no clue."

Calderone said that he knew from "day one" that he was up against perhaps his worst year ever.

"So I'm passing out the syllabi, and this imbecile asks if he really needs to buy the textbook," he said, shaking his head and pouring another stiff drink. "There's 'stupid,' and then there's 'dumber than a sack of dirty underwear.' This class is even beyond that."

Left: Calderone "not sure" how he would keep it together without vodka

Calderone has found that the "utter brainlessness" of this year's students has resulted in "near-continual" consumption of alcohol to cope.

"I keep a bottle in my briefcase and a case in my office," he said, knocking back another double shot. "If I didn't stay drunker than a Kennedy at a clambake I couldn't do this thankless job."

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