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October 24, 2006

Foot-Long Turd Leaves Freshman Happy, Hurting

Student after life-changing trip to bathroom Left: Mixed blessings for Porter

(El Paso, TX) A trip to a campus restroom brought UTEP freshman Kyle Porter more than he had asked for.

"I felt it coming on about halfway through my Econ class, and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it," said Porter, still visibly shaken by his near-brush with bowel overload. "I made a mad dash to my favorite stall in Graham Hall and let 'er rip. Talk about your hazardous waste disposal - this baby should have come with a HazMat sticker."

The result, according to Porter, was a "perfectly-formed" section of fecal matter in the toilet bowl.

"I can't begin to describe the sense of relief I felt when that moment passed," he said, looking off into the distance. "But the popcorn I ate last night made this bowel movement - well - kind of a scratchy experience. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as I sat there cooking that butt burrito."

Student sitting in bathroom stallLeft: Porter in mid-dump

The confluence of pleasure and pain, said Porter, brought him new insights into the creative process.

"I think I know how those poets get their inspiration," he said. "As I was in the throes of evacuation, I think I kinda became one with God, and for a moment it was like the beginning of all time, you know? It's too bad I didn't have a tape recorder in there - I might have come up with a good rap lyric or something after unleashing that intestinal leviathan."

I mean, really. Do you HAVE to interview someone about taking a shit? What, is it a slow news day?
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