October 11, 2006
Coed's Digestion, Regularity, and Reputation Ruined by Campus Dining
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor(Austin, TX)—University of Texas freshman Melissa Burke has always prided herself on maintaining a healthy diet, trim figure, and most importantly, a genteel bathroom schedule that affords her both privacy and anonymity among her peers.
However, Burke’s confidence in her digestive processes has been shaken to its very core, since her first semester of college dining has wreaked havoc on her waistband and bowels.
“I gained four pounds in September, and then lost eight in the past week and a half,” Burke revealed while fuming over her calculus homework. “It’s like Russian Roulette, except like, no one dies or anything — I just don’t know what jeans will fit me when I wake up in the morning.”
Burke places the blame squarely on the campus dining services, which have single-handedly ruined her sense of femininity.
“Before I ate this greasy stuff, I…I went number two every day at 8:35 a.m. like clockwork,” a nervous Burke revealed with great candor and trepidation. “But just yesterday, I almost blew my pants out during sociology class…I had to let one of those squeakers out, and it smelled worse than a jockstrap full of squirrel guts. Professor Howards ended class twelve minutes early. Jesus, now everyone knows me as ‘Fart Girl.’”The only foreseeable solution, according to Burke, is if her parents consented to a larger cash flow, which would allow her to shop off-campus at independent grocers and organic markets. Sadly, this is a move that the Burkes are unwilling to accept due to their daughter’s booming social life.
“Dad thinks I’m gonna use the extra money to like, get an abortion or something,” added a tearful Burke. “But has he ever had to take a massive grumpy at 3:30 in the morning? Doesn’t he know how unnatural that is? Ugh. I gotta go. I ate leftover pizza for breakfast.”
