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September 10, 2006

Sophomore Sick of Emails from Extended Family

Sophomore student checking email at his laptop By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Coral Gables, FL)—University of Miami sophomore Danny Nichols is no stranger to the collegiate lifestyle: he knows all the shortcuts around campus, he can live on Ramen noodles for weeks, and he isn’t embarrassed to carry his own toilet paper into the dorm bathroom to avoid chaffing.

One thing he can’t seem to tolerate, however, is the never-ending stream of emails he receives from his extended family, which provide him with superfluous updates from the wider Nichols clan.

“Both my parents are second-generation Italian, so I have like, a zillion relatives here [in Florida] and in the Old Country,” Nichols explained while sorting his dirty laundry. “But goddamn if I need 27 pictures of Cousin Celia’s pregnant-ass belly. I don’t care how excited she is about having her first kid—that shit is sick. I couldn’t get hard for a week after seeing all those stretch marks and veins.”

Pregnant belly with stretch marks
Left: Celia's stretch marks are really unnecessary information

Nichols expressed concern that his working-class kin don’t respect the rigors of university life.

“My grandmother is now sending me a daily newsletter from CNN—she must think I’m in jail or something,” Nichols huffed. “I appreciate the care packages, but that’s where this shit should end. And you know that dancing baby from 1998? Well apparently Uncle Howard in Pensacola thinks it’s a hoot. I know, because he’s sent me nine forwards this week. I can’t wait for that old fucker to stroke out while eating a big plate of fettuccini…then we’ll both be at peace.”

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