September 18, 2006
Roommates Seal Masturbation Schedule with a Handshake
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue EditorWalsh and Shapur celebrate over a plate of potato skins
(Washington, D.C.)—For the first two weeks of the fall semester, American University freshmen Jake Walsh and Benji Shapur were strangely coy about their sexual habits, leaving their masturbatory routines open to chance.
That all changed this weekend, however, when both men explicitly agreed to a mutually acceptable schedule that would eliminate the possibility of exposure or embarrassment.
“Those first few weeks were crazy, man,” said Shapur, visibly relieved by the new agreement. “We didn’t know each other’s schedules, his parents would drop by randomly with extra clothes—it was brutal. Thank Vishnu everything’s settled: Tuesdays, Fridays, and every other Sunday are all mine.”
Walsh echoed his roommate’s ecstatic relief over the brokerage.
“Listen: I’m a big man—I’m talkin’ John Goodman big. There’s no way for me to just pound one out whenever I have a few extra minutes,” Walsh explained. “I don’t want to get graphic, but I sweat. A lot. But now, with the new pact, I have time to shower, sip a cup of green tea…it’s a good thing.”
Left: Both men used their business hands to seal the dealAnd while skeptics may cite the pair’s disregard for actual intercourse as a gross oversight in the agreement, both seem content for the time being.
“There’s no way either one of us is getting laid,” rebuffed a candid Shapur, adjusting his glasses. “We’ve been trolling for a pity-fuck for a combined total of 9 years. The day one of us comes home to find the other screwing is the day I clean out our fridge. And have you seen that thing? It smells like a Bengalese dumpster.”
