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September 15, 2006

Fraternity Prefers Couch Fires to Traditional Bonfires

Ellsworth warms up in front of flaming furniture

(Columbus, OH) Phi Kappa Tau members at Ohio State University, interviewed by the Codependent Collegian, were unanimous in their assessment of the merits of couch-burning.

"Oh yeah - nothing beats a good couch fire," said fraternity president Mark Ellsworth. "We call our celebration 'Burning Sofa.' It's kind of like that 'Burning Man' deal out in the desert, except we use an old couch here."

About 40 couch fires were reported around the OSU campus after the top-ranked Buckeyes' 24-7 win at then-No. 2 Texas last Saturday night. Ellsworth said that the other couch-burning groups were "posers."

"We literally invented 'Burning Sofa,' but all these other wannabes copied off of us," he said of the East 15th Avenue fraternity. "Hell, our mission statement says it all: To champion a lifelong commitment to brotherhood, learning, ethical leadership and exemplary character, and to, like, burn a shitload of couches. I say, amen to that, mon."

Phi Kappa Tau sealLeft: Phi Kappa Tau seal (click for larger image)

Ellsworth said that it is a "sacred tradition" to set couches on fire after sporting victories, and that Phi Kappa Tau was "totally in the right on this one."

"This goes way back to the Greeks themselves, who used to totally torch their stone couches. This was the Stone Age, dude. If they couldn't get them to burn, they would smash them," he said. "People who want to end couch burning are not only lamers, but bad at their history and shit. For sure, they should read a book or something."

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