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September 25, 2006

Former Homeschooler Still Baffled By College Syllabi

HomeschoolerBy Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Worcester, MA)—Holy Cross freshman Jake Gibbons thought college would be relatively simple since, as a home-schooled youth, he relished the intellectual stimulation and bottomless energy of his mother, Jan, who served tirelessly as both a single parent and solitary educator for over a dozen years.

Much to Gibbons’ dismay, however, he has tested exclusively into remedial courses and still cannot decipher his college syllabi even after a month of coursework.

“I’m fucking doomed, man,” remarked Gibbons while pacing his smallish dorm room. “Is the stuff listed for next Tuesday what I’m supposed to read for next Tuesday, or is that the homework that’ll be assigned next Tuesday? Jesus. The last exam mom gave was on an episode of Veggie Tales. Now I need to know what a ‘quotient’ is.”

Veggie Tales logoLeft: Gibbons is beginning to have doubts about the pedagogical value of the Veggies

Gibbons appeared even more flustered since he encountered profound difficulty contacting his instructors outside of class.

“Do these office hours make any sense to you?” huffed a visibly exasperated Gibbons. “Does this ‘T’ stand for Tuesday or Thursday? And is this 7 a.m. or 7 p.m.? I shit you not—I was outside Dr. Robardt’s office last night until 9:30, and that old bastard didn’t show up once. You’d think a guy teaching ENGL-064 would be a stickler for clarity. I mean, most of the kids in that class are like, from other countries and stuff.”

Ironically, Gibbons was so confident about his academic abilities that he spent all summer changing his physical aesthetic in a ploy to gain social acceptance. Now, it seems, his entire future hangs in the balance.

“My buddy [Ryan Trowser] asked me back in May if mom had a college degree, and brother, I just shrugged it off,” Gibbons lamented. “Of course she did, I said. How the hell could she be qualified to teach if she didn’t have any schooling herself? If I’d known she barely finished her GED, I would’ve spent the last four months in a library instead of growing my hair out.”

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