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September 5, 2006

Change of Heart and College Major Cement a Future of Poverty

Aspiring actress Katie Allen
By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Norman, OK)—University of Oklahoma junior Katie Allen has spent the past three years of her live cramming and slaving toward a pre-med degree, much to the detriment of her imaginative spirit.

But with only three semesters left, Allen has decided to switch majors and pursue her life-long dream in theatre, thus assuring her a life of poverty, disenchantment, and parental disappointment.

“My dad always wanted me to be a doctor, and I do have a gift for helping people,” remarked Allen while painting a set piece for an upcoming fall production. “But it struck me this week: why should I, like, keep working so hard when I could be in [the University of Oklahoma’s revival of] Guys and Dolls?”

Guys and Dolls advertLeft: Allen all Dolled up

Mr. Allen did not find his daughter’s logic very persuasive.

“Sixteen grand a year for tuition, and now she wants to hang out with these goth kids and sing show tunes?” barked John Allen while pouring himself a glass of Grey Goose. “I worked overtime for twenty years so she wouldn’t have to follow me into sales. Jesus. She might as well marry that Mexican kid [childhood friend Mark Consuelo], have a zillion brown babies and start banging dope into her arm.”

And while Mrs. Allen did not endorse her husband’s grim pronouncements, she seemed doubtful about her daughter’s artistic abilities.

“I love my Katie, but the girl can’t sing,” lamented a teary-eyed Theresa Allen. “I never told her this, but the whole reason we bought a VCR for the basement playroom was because I couldn’t stand her singing along to the ‘Wizard of Oz.’ Now I have to watch her do community theatre until I die.”

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